Heartbreak and Healing

Isn't it strange how our hearts and our raw emotions can pull us in so many different directions? I loathe the saying "Just follow your heart" because I tell you it's true - the heart is deceptive and wicked and evil. If I followed my heart everything would shatter. Instead I choose to follow Jesus - but it's so hard and it's so costly, but I trust that he can mend my heartache and piece together a more beautiful story than I would have written for myself. 

I don't know about you other Mommas out there, but it's been heartbreaking, this shift in seasons, from childbearing and babies, excitement and anticipation to the unknown of what lies ahead. To say with great finality "we are done having kids" causes me great grief, if only because this season has brought such joy. Oops, did I forget that my joy is to be found in the Giver and not simply the gifts? Yep, most certainly. 

So I've been trudging along, claiming to be "done" yet holding tight fisted to all of the baby things (I mean, ya know, JUST in case…right?) Ugh, I just couldn't do it anymore. My desire to write my story my way and in my time - it was gripping my heart and holding me back from following where I was being led. 

Very slowly I've released my hold on these things that had become precious to me. First, all of our boy clothes to a sweet young girl pregnant with her first baby. With tears welling in places I didn't think they could I handed over every little baby boy thing that was sentimental to me. My first outward expression of inward submission. Not long after, I packed up all of Ashley's clothes from her first year of life and passed them onto a friend who had recently had a little baby girl. Soon after the first two deliveries, the maternity clothes were boxed up for yet another friend. And lastly today, I consigned every last baby item. Of course, the amount of money they sent me home with did not come near the items' worth in sentimental value - on one hand it was so heartbreaking, I felt like I had just taken a powerful blow to the gut and couldn't breathe. Yet on the other hand the Lord healed my heart because really, I was taking the first step to breaking down an idol. 

But God has been so kind to me in providing me not only comfort and an understanding husband, but even a new exciting adventure. He has long been writing homeschooling on my heart and we are excited to try it out next year! So sadness is coupled with excitement. I'll always have the memories and pictures of my kids in their cute little outfits, playing in the bumbo or exersaucer, but I'm trading that in to build memories and character and a love for learning and books. I'm excited to be a part of what the Lord is doing as he builds their stories. And as He always has done, once again He has provided for us financially - the proceeds from selling our double stroller alone will pay for our curriculum next year. 

Even as I write this I'm weepy and my throat is thick - did I really just sell every baby item I've ever owned? Did this sweet part of life really just pass me by so quickly? With gritted teeth I can say that I HATE the pain of it and the simple fact that life is quickly fleeting. Yet the heartache makes eternity and hope and promise fulfilled and ultimate healing and redemption seem so much sweeter.